You can submit your own questions for Claire to 2cents@newraleigh.com .

Dear Claire,

I’ll admit that I am a politically unenlightened person, but lately everytime someone says "Iraq Study Group" I hear "Rock Steady Group." I then spend the rest of the day with "Rock Steady" by Whispers stuck in my head. This leads me to two questions - 1) is Iraq pronounced like rack or rock? 2) Are there any good ways you know to get a song out of your head?

Signed
Steady Rockin All Nite Long

Dear Steady,

1)  Boy did you open a can of worms with this question. A quick google brings up all sorts of rants about the proper pronunciation of Iraq but the upshot is that pretty much no one in the US is capable of pronouncing it correctly- Americans (and many others) simply don’t have the proper phonetic background. The two predominant mispronunciations appear to be divided along party lines. "Ee-rock"  seems to be generally preferred by the highfalutin’ "liberal media" while "eye-rack" is favored more by conservatives, rednecks and our fearless leader. Of course I could be biased. But no matter what your bias, you’re probably sounding equally ignorant to your Iraqi friends while your local cronies don’t know the difference. According to an essay by Geoffrey Nunberg, "If you were really going to get the name of the country right, you’d say something like ‘EE-rawq,’ with that gutteral ‘q’ that doesn’t have any English equivalent. And you’d start it with an ‘ayn,’ an h-like sound that’s pronounced even farther back in the throat." Too bad the Bush administration didn’t agree with the columnist for the Baltimore Sun who wrote, “If you can’t pronounce it, don’t try to invade it.” A little late for that, but since we’re now so close to "winning" the war in Iraq, not to mention the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people, maybe we can convince them to change it to a more Murrkan way a’ speakin’ so we don’t look so goddamned idiotic to the rest of the world. Shall we hold our collective breath on that one?

2)  "Rock Steady"? Bless your heart- I had to look it up to be painfully reminded of what it sounds like and I almost slit my wrists from the 10 second free clip. Yikes. The best way I know to lose that puppy is to just keep singing it aloud until you transfer it to someone else’s head. Works for me every time but I suggest being well out of striking range of your victim- unlike an offensive belch or a silent but deadly, a stinker like that can hang around for days.

let ‘er rip and get ‘er done,
Claire

Dear Claire,
I’ve been having serious doubts about the man I’ve been dating for about three weeks now. While I mostly like him and he has his good points,  several things about him don’t sit right with me.

He is bipolar and has told me in the past he’s gone off his meds and it’s been a big mess. He also has a child which in and of itself isn’t a deal breaker, but it is an extra consideration before considering entering into something. The final, and maybe biggest thing is his careless remarks. He made a comment a couple weeks ago that he “loves my fat ass” which he explained didn’t mean he thinks I’m fat. But just like any girl, the "f word" is hard to hear and I was hurt. Then he called me "Big Mama"  on two occassions. I am NOT that big. I’m a size 9/10, which these days is about average. Even though he also tells me im beautiful,  sexy, etc., his mean comments leave me feeling low even though I typically have high self-esteem.

Should I talk to him about this, or is it best to assume that if he doesn’t take my feelings into account this early in the game then probably never will?

Sincerely,
Not A Fattie

Dear Not,

Wow-  where do I begin? First of all, I must say that if his "f words"  and "Big Mamas" seem like bigger potential problems than his mental illness or his child then I think you have a strange idea of what "typically high self-esteem" is. That being said,  he’s an asshole for saying those things to you after you let him know how you felt about it. In fact, he was an asshole to say them in the first place. After only three weeks I don’t think you’re going to miss him much- how ‘bout you just kick him to the curb and save us both the trouble of addressing the more important issues huh? Deal?  Great.

Ok,  ok- just in case he suddenly becomes someone other than an insensitive loudmouthed dickhead what else could go wrong? Well, to begin with, how do you feel about kids? More importantly, how do you feel about his kid? Does the child live with him?And what about the kid’s mother? What’s their relationship like? Is she a jealous ex-wife or an absent baby-momma? These are all good things to find out if you want to have a relationship with this guy. I can see why you would seeing as how he’s such a sweetheart and all…

Still determined to stick with this gem? All right! On to the small matter of his bipolar disorder. Now it’s not his fault that he has it but he is responsible for how he deals with it. Was the going off the meds mess a one-time occurrence or does he fall off that wagon on a regular basis? If he stops his meds periodically, as bipolar people sometimes do, then you could have a difficult road ahead of you with very little control over which turns it takes. I’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker; I’m just saying it could be pretty rough. If your letter had said what an amazing guy he is otherwise I’d say go for it. However, considering he’s insulted you on average once a week since you met, I say save your strength for someone who deserves it.

In the meantime, try to get over thinking that you’re fat and start believing that you don’t have to settle for someone who makes you feel like crap. They call it self-esteem because it’s up to you to keep it up, dig?

keep on diggin’,
Claire

Dear Claire,
The guy I like is Spanish but he speaks excellent English. I know some Spanish, but just the basics. My Spanish is no way near as good as his English.

Do you think I should attempt some conversations (or text messages, or e-mails) with him in his own language? I am nervous about trying it because I’m not perfect and I’ll make lots of mistakes. Do you think he would find it cute, or would it make me look stupid? Of course he knows I’m not stupid, but hearing me stutter my way through terrible Spanish might not be so romantic.

What do you think?

Thanks,
High School Spanish

Dear High,

I suppose if you’re really in high school I can forgive such a silly-ass question. Of course he’ll find your clumsy attempts at communication cute, especially if you’re trying to tell him how much you like him. And if he doesn’t? Dígale: "¡Besa adiós mi culo!" That might not be exactly grammatically correct but he’ll get the right idea. For more ways to express yourself should things go not so bueno, check out:  http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/spanish.htm

Buena suerte,

Claire

ps-  If your English is any indication, I think you are correct in thinking that your Spanish is in no way nearly as good as his English- better hit the books, hermana.

You can submit your own questions for Claire to 2cents@newraleigh.com .