Corporate Crutch for Raleigh

Forget about bailouts. No need for a stimulus. We’re going corporate.

This is what city officials stated as they unanimously agreed to accept Bojangle’s, Inc. as the official sponsor of the City of Raleigh.

This week Bojangle’s will become the official sponsor of the City of Raleigh. “During this time of economic uncertainty, it just makes good business sense to have our city supported by Bojangle’s,” stated the city manager after biting into a country ham biscuit.

Bojangle’s will sponsor Raleigh by providing money for education, mental health, transit and parks. The company will also sponsor a chicken themed parade on Western Blvd. this summer.

“Bojangle’s has been a long time supporter of North Carolina culture and I look forward to the benefits they can provide our great city,” said Mayor Meeker between slurps of sweet tea.

The City of Raleigh will not have to seek assistance, raise taxes, or go into debt. This way all of the city’s programs and services can continue, and will be overseen by Bojangle’s representatives for efficiency and relevance.

“Bojangle’s exhibits a high degree of quality control, and that’s what we can expect for the citizens of Raleigh. Bojangle’s takes pride in every cajun filet that goes through their fryer, and we can now be assured that the same care will be given to every child that goes through our public school system,” said one concerned parent while inhaling a 4 piece chicken supreme.

“As a city we also have an obligation to go green. Citizens will be glad to know that by this time next year all city buses will be running off of used fryer grease. Like they say… ‘If it’s good for Bojangle’s, it’s good for Raleigh,” said a Raleigh transit official while munching seasoned fries. The new Circulator bus will now be known as the Bo’ Round.

There will be many other changes that let Raleigh citizens know that things are looking up for their town. Inviting signs with neon flashing bulbs will welcome visitors and citizens alike into downtown. Also, Raleigh will now be known as “City of Biscuits.” Those who love the giant Oak tree on the shimmer wall will be happy to see it replaced by Raleigh’s new symbol.

This spring Bojangles will be launching “Sir Wally Kidz Mealz” featuring Falls of the Neuse Shakes, I-40 fries and Sir Wally Bites. These consumer-in-training sized nuggets are bite size chicken morsels shaped in Sir Walter Raleigh’s likeness—a contemporary spin on a classic North Carolina hero.

Bojangles will also be launching Fojangles, a new franchise catering to our friendly vegetarian and vegan citizens.

“Hell, as long as they don’t raise property taxes, it’s all good baby,” said one hungry homeowner. “Oh, by the way… can I have some of those fries?

This reporter shared his seasoned fries.