Review: The Thing

October, 14, 2011 , by Isaac Weeks

What is the current rule of thumb for the proper courtesy time to give a film before abandoning all hope? I think it's safe to say that we have all watched one or two movies that seemed like stinkers after the first ten or fifteen minutes but that, by the end, had managed to turn it somewhat around.

The reason I ask is because by the five minute mark of Universal's new reboot/remake/prequel The Thing, I was already thinking to myself, "I should have reviewed the Footloose remake instead." Folks, believe me when I tell you, I never imagined there would come a day that I would yearn for the acting stylings of Julianne Hough.

In this new The Thing, a new group of scientists and roughneck types are thrown together in the Antarctic. American graduate student Kate (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is invited to a research site in Antarctica by Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) to investigate a discovery that has been made miles below the ice. Once there, they find a spacecraft that they believe to have landed over 100,000 years ago and, miles away, the body of an alien completely encased in thick ice. Then someone gets the bright idea to start poking at the ice with a drill and trouble ensues.

For some reason, when I start adding up all of the problems with this film, I can't help but compare it unfavorably to this summer's Rise of the Planet of the Apes. As with this film, you had a studio that wanted to keep budget costs down so, other than James Franco, there wasn't an actor in the movie that would demand much of a salary. The vast majority of Apes' budget went into its fx and CGI work, and for good reason; years from now, no one is going to remember that film for Franco's award-worthy turn as a foster dad to a baby ape.

Universal decided to go one step forward and cut costs at every turn. One big name star to anchor the film? Only if you REALLY loved Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Special effects that will have people talking as they leave the theater? I have seen Scy Fy original films that would scoff at some of the CGI shots in this flick.

Winstead, as Kate, is given the unenviable task of portraying a character that will remind anyone over the age of thirty of Sigourney Weaver's Ripley in the Alien franchise. Winstead just does not have it in her at this point to be the focal point of a film. One of the main criticisms of Scott Pilgrim was that you never bought that a guy would go through that much trouble for Winstead's character, and all that role called for was an attractive actress with an ounce of charisma that Michael Cera could act nervous around. I'm a huge fan of her work, but after a disaster like this, I hope someone close to her suggests that she take on some supporting roles for a while to catch her breath.

Here we are supposed to believe that this group of icebreakers, once the crap starts to hit the fan, would naturally turn to a five-foot-nothing American girl as the only person to trust. Hell, one of the guys doesn't even understand English, but still puts his life in her hands, just because.

Joel Edgerton costars as one of the other Americans at the research facility. Edgerton is actually the only bright spot in the film, acting-wise, and continues to be a talent on the rise. His turn in last year's Animal Kingdom was noteworthy, but between his role as the older brother in Warrior and making this film almost bearable for a few minutes, he shouldn't be struggling for work anytime soon.

By the time the credits rolled on The Thing, I truly had no idea what Universal was thinking when they greenlit this movie. It was barely good enough to be a direct-to-DVD release, let alone to warrant a major theatrical push. From shoddy casting to barebones special effects, this movie is a disaster. The only silver lining I found walking away from it was that I now have a new film in the running for Worst Major Release of the Year.