Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One

November, 18, 2011 , by Isaac Weeks

Before going any further into this review, I want to admit at the very top that this is the first Twilight film I have ever watched. I believe I watched 5 minutes of the first one once while flipping channels, just long enough to notice how wet the town they live in is and think to myself, "Jesus, they must live in a rain forest," before continuing on my journey for entertainment.

That being said, I felt that I could safely venture into the fourth film in the series without being too confused by the... mythology. I knew there was a brunette mope that couldn't choose between two monsters, and now she's finally getting married; what else did I really need to know?

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One (the last time I will type the complete title out in this column, I promise you) opens with Bella (Kristen Stewart) preparing for her wedding to Edward, the vampire (Robert Pattinson ohmygodguyshessodreamy). All the families and friends arrive, with the humans blaming the undeads' appearances on probable inbreeding.

After the "I do's" are read, it's off to spend a cozy honeymoon off the coast of Brazil. There, we get to see some vampire/human baby-making in all its five second glory. The author of the series of Twilight books believes in strong family values, so she allows Bella to have sex with monsters, but only if she ends up covered in bruises, and almost dying as a result.

Let's leave Bella and the vamp on the island for a second and discuss the other guy in their triangle, Jacob the werewolf. I had no idea until watching this, but Taylor Lautner is the absolute worst actor alive. He gives line readings like English is his second language, or he has an undiagnosed learning disability. Instead of giving a somewhat nuanced performance of a teenage wrestling with his emotions over the girl he loves marrying his rival at the age of 18, he gives off this creepy vibe, literally threatening to kill Edward once he realizes marriage means Bella won't remain a virgin.

The director, Bill Condon, is a fine filmmaker. He is responsible for one Best Picture during the 2000s (Chicago), and at least one more that should have been nominated (Showgirls). I can only guess that he was hobbled by studio interference here, because this is hands-down the worst film of his career. The acting is almost across the board sub-community theater, and the fx shots go quickly from laughable to groan-worthy, looking as if they were put together on someone's eight year old Acer that is riddled with bugs.

The only positive thing I came away from this film with is the realization that, once this series is wrapped and put to bed for good, Kristen Stewart will finally have time to focus on finding that role that will show everyone exactly how great of an actress she really is. Honestly folks, some of the work she does in this film is outstanding, and it's remarkable that she is able to pull off a decent performance in this dreck. As much as I hated the anti-abortion plot, she sold it as well as someone playing an 18-year-old possible could.

The film sells itself; the series' fans aren't really sitting around, waiting to read reviews to find out if they should go see this or not. For those of you that, for whatever reason, were considering jumping on board if the fourth movie was good... throw yourself on the tracks, it's less painful.